Is Dating Abroad Hard? Caribbean Women Share Their Stories

It is never wise to start a blog about dating with a quote from a fourteen-year-old; especially, when the blog is aimed at telling you about the plight of Caribbean women who try to date in Japan. But, if at 14, Noriko-chan can see the bleak prospects of the love-less-ness in her homeland, I guess it’s only fair to use her words to set up the situation.

Now, let’s switch to my sistren, Kerry.

It is important to introduce her here because a Japanese colleague explained that the ideal image of beauty for the Japanese man is the type of woman who you’d see modeling on television. He believes once a woman is tall and thin, it doesn’t matter if she’s black or white, she won’t have problems dating anywhere in the world.

So, is Kerry dating in Japan? The answer is no. A quick scroll down her timeline will reveal numerous pics of ‘bae’.

She is not crazy. In fact, she is one of the sanest persons I know, but Noriko’s theory, along with my sistah-girl dating a celebrity in her head kinda begs you to see that the situation here is dismal.

Now, let’s switch again. Let’s move to my other sistren Sandra (name changed to protect identity).

She’s a big-breasted, thick-thighed, ample- buttock Jamaican woman who has tried to date in Japan. After sharing Noriko’s quote, I asked her if she believes it is difficult to date because Japan is a loveless society. Her answer was a resonant, yes. She said, “Most people in Japan are unhappy and 95% of these marriages are borne out of every other need ‘cept the need for love.”

When asked if she would marry a Japanese man, her answer was a resonant, no.

 “They’re too close-minded.” She said. “A Japanese man believes that a woman’s place is in the kitchen and she is only there to entertain and speak when spoken to. That could never work for me as a black woman.”

Sandra admits that she has had local Japanese men approach her, but feels it is more out of a curiosity to know what a big ass and big breasts feel like.

“Everyone wants to try a black girl. Japanese men are no exception. I believe the aim is to exoticize me, not have a relationship with me.”

Lastly, I asked her to comment on the fact that black men in Japan don’t seem to date black women. Sandra believes this is so because a large number of black men are of the impression that black women are ‘too strong’ and the Japanese woman is meeker, more docile and overall, more accommodating than a black woman. She states that this suits them as it gives them a fake sense of power. She also went on to explain that most times, “It is only after the ring is on her finger that the Japanese woman reveals her ‘true’ self”.

“A Wise Eagle Never Shows Its Claws.” Japanese Proverb

On the matter of ‘true’ selves being revealed, let’s switch to how one can really learn what’s on a Japanese man’s mind when his lips are loosened by a bit of wine.

A week ago, minutes past five, I’m sitting in a wine bar in Tokyo with my home girl and two Japanese men. We’re meeting them for the first time. She’s on a date. I’m there for the wine. After quick hellos and nervous laughter, we sat down. It’s awkward. A ‘check your phone every second because you have nothing to say’ sort of awkward. But, we’re saved by the wine. Two glasses in and everybody is talking, laughing and having a good time. Then, after furtive, almost shy observation, my friend’s date exclaimed, “Black girls not so bad. Even attractive too.”

“Rhatid,” that’s my inner-voice. “So, he didn’t see us as attractive before?”

I looked at my GF. Tried to convey my thoughts with my eyes. But, before I could do that, the words are already out of her mouth, “You didn’t see us as attractive before?”

Jun said no.

He confessed that he didn’t really see black women because he was too shy to look at them. But, Akihiro on the other hand, he went in. He said he didn’t find black women attractive because of their hairstyles.

“Your hair is not straight like a Japanese woman or a white woman,” he said, “it looks kinda untidy.”

He added, that it’s common belief that black women didn’t wash their hair every day and that’s why he had no previous interest in dating them, but now that he’d met us, his views had changed. Plus, we were kawaii (Japanese word for cute). Kawaii like monchichi.

Ladies (and the two men who read my blog), just in case you were unable to identify the picture above, please note that a monchichi is a monkey.

It was created as a doll for Japanese children by the Sekiguchi group who claim they created it to inspire respect and love in both children and adults.

Needless to say, home girl is pissed, and the partial smile on my face has shifted.

Jun, being the more perceptive of the two, sensed the sudden change and tried to ease the tension by explaining that Akihiro didn’t mean anything bad. He wanted us to understand that monchichi dolls were really very cute and loved in Japan and Akihiro was giving us a compliment.

By now, GF had had enough and I was already on my way out the door. I thanked them for the wine, lied about having a great time and bid them goodbye. Needless to say, we didn’t leave in high spirits. But, we were glad to have at least gleaned some clarity on how we were perceived by a representation of a large population.

***

My final interview in Japan, was done with my sistah-fren, Dee-Dee. Though she would love to have a meaningful relationship, she is resigned to the fact that it may never happen in Japan. She has instead conceded to “doing what I must to make my vagina happy.” Dee-Dee explains, “Back home, I was used to men fawning over me, but when I moved here, I had to come to terms with the fact that nobody wanted me. Nobody looked at me longingly. In fact, they didn’t look at me at all. For a while, it affected me, and I felt unattractive; but after a year, I took matters in my own hands and signed up to Tinder. I don’t sit around waiting to be wanted anymore. I go out there and I date and mate with every race and creed. Do I want more? Yes. Am I going to sit around and suffer waiting for love to find me? No. I going to live my life.

***

Now, let’s switch to Dubai.

Sasha, like Sandra, didn’t want her picture used, but she was just as candid about the dating scene in Dubai. She admits that it is not difficult to meet men. In fact, there are lots of clubs and activities designed to meet people. The only catch is, not many people are looking for meaningful relationships and many men who sign up for these activities usually have a wife or a girlfriend or a wife and a girlfriend.

Sasha says though there are strict fornication laws, local men can get away with a lot of things as it is their country. She cites an example: “If a foreign woman goes to the police to report a rape, it is more likely that the foreign woman will be treated as the fornicator as opposed to the Emirati man.”

She says black women as well as other foreign women often end up as mistresses as it is not likely that a local man will marry a foreigner. “They are not seen as equal to a local woman.”

When asked if local men have approached her, she says she mostly get stared at; however, she believes they would be keener to approach or date her if she’d be willing to convert to Muslim, wore an Abaya, spoke Arabic and wore the right make-up.

“Once I’d be willing to play the part of an Emirati woman, I’d be fine.”

Though Sasha hasn’t dated any of the locals, she admits that she has dated in Dubai. A black man. A man from the Caribbean. This led to my next question: “Do black men in Dubai date black women?”

Her response: “Black men in Dubai date black women — white women, Indian women, Asian women. They are looking for women. Any woman. Any type of woman.”

She states black men in Dubai are sometimes from places that have less diversity and as such it is the perfect opportunity for them to find an exotic beauty.

In conclusion, Sasha believes dating is difficult all over the world. She thinks that a woman should be sure about what she wants, be safe when dating and believes love can be found wherever you are in the world – once you’re open to receiving it.