Why I turned down a Marriage Proposal & left Jamaica for Poland

“Marry me.”

That’s what Terry’s boyfriend said when he found out she was leaving for Poland.

“Marry me. You can move into my family house. I will work and send you to college.”

Maybe another 18-year-old would have jumped at the opportunity to marry bae and spend the rest of her life in a family house in JA, but not Terry-Ann O’Connor. She was fresh out of high school and thirsty for adventure. Adventure she knew wouldn’t come from getting married at a young age. So, when her aunt Jem offered her an opportunity to join her in a foreign land, she ignored her BF’s tears and boarded her first flight ever to Poland.

She had no knowledge of the culture of the Polish people. She didn’t know that a large number of them had never seen a black person in their entire lives and she wasn’t prepared for the stares.

And boy did they stare!

From older people and babies, she got the ‘What the hell is that thing?’ stare.

From younger people, she got wide-eyed wonderment and the ‘What a cool, exotic chick?’ stare. And from men, well, they didn’t just stare. Terry recounted two incidents in particular. She said:

“One time, someone grabbed my ass on the crowded underground train and another time when I was leaving home, I looked back to a shout of ‘hey black girl’ and not too far from me a guy was jacking off.”

Needless to say, Terry’s trip to Poland and her thirst for adventure became what she called ‘the worst two years of my life’. She said:

“The weather was cold, the people were cold, and the food — I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t find the guys attractive either. Plus, the language just sounded like people constantly shouting at each other and saying what sounded like bitch way too many times.”

Terry was scared for her safety. She had no real friends. Men seeing her without really seeing her made her feel unattractive & she was miserable.

In less than a year, she became an angry, rebellious impolite young woman and aunty wasn’t having it. She told her, “If your attitude doesn’t change, you either move out of my house or return to JA.”

***

Maybe it was the fact that she didn’t want to disappoint her aunt, maybe it was the fact that returning home without making an effort would disappoint her parents & maybe it was just learning that people were not really calling her a bitch but were actually saying ‘byc’ (a verb meaning ‘to be’ and changes form to fit a sentence), but Terry decided to give Poland a fair chance.

***

She started working as a SLT (second language tutor) taking the students her aunt couldn’t fit into her schedule, and two weeks after that, she also started University. Terry says:

“In hindsight, when I look back I realize that I had the experiences that I expected to happen. Just imagine being the only black person almost everywhere and having kids pull away from you or stare at you. I wanted to fight so many times. And, the more I expected things to be horrible, the more horrible and unpleasant things became.”

The minute Terry-Ann changed her mindset was the minute things started looking up for her. Starting a degree in Psychology also allowed her to open up to people and make friends. She said:

“I began studying the Polish language and I stopped complaining & comparing Poland to Jamaica. I simply lived in the moment and that is how I met my first crush.”

***

She didn’t understand why he wanted to date her, but since there weren’t many black men around and the few she’d ran into were not interested in dating black women & held on to their non-black girlfriends like `they had the secret to salvation`, she figured she would give him a chance. After all, he was brave enough to approach her. Plus, she found the fact that he was struggling to have a conversation in English — cute.

She talked to him. Laughed at his jokes. Found the fact that he said, ‘Only top half of me yellow, bottom half black-black’, hella funny.

He had lyrics for days & words of endearments that were so turnt, she was sure he went to the ‘How to Get a Caribbean Girl’ school in Jamaica. When he gave her his number and asked if they could meet again, she asked: “Why?”

“New for me.” He said. “Different. I want to try it.”

That’s when the conversation changed. She didn’t feel she was something to try. Like a mere toy—something new and different. It unnerved her.

***

Terry had the same disheartening feeling whenever she tried to date Polish men.

“They didn’t like me for something as stereotypical as the ass or boobs that black women are supposed to have because I am very petite. They were just in love with the novelty of my black skin—not me!”

Terry says looking back, she can clearly see how she ended up giving them a second glance. Living in a country where one can go weeks, sometimes months at a time without seeing another black face didn’t help & the intense glares and stares only added to my distress. She explains:

“I didn’t notice I was black until I came to Poland. Colour was just never a thing of interest to me while growing up in Jamaica. And then, I moved here.”

“It became almost traumatic. Here, being different meant I was treated like a thing — not human. I was treated like an alien.”

She felt out of place, alone, and it didn’t take long for self-doubt to creep in.

***

Y’all know what happens when self-doubt shows up, right? You feel as though you’re not good enough. Your self-confidence wanes. Soon, you start looking to other people — or things — or substances to evoke feelings in you that you’re unable to feel for yourself. Terry was at that place. She says:

“I was somehow seeking validation for my skin colour and dating Polish men was a form of reassurance.”

***

As soon as she realized that there was more of a fascination with having a black girlfriend as opposed to having a girlfriend, she decided to give the dating game a rest and focus on her studies. But, that’s when she met a hot, handsome, Polish man who liked her way beyond race or skin colour. It didn’t take much for her to fall in love and soon he became father to her young son.

“All was well with the world.” She says. “I was completing my degree, met a man who loved me for me, I had my son and a perfect Polish-Jamaican family.”

***

Sadly, the relationship didn’t last. As Terry puts it:

“We grew apart because I had a lot more growing-up to do. Looking back, it may have been possible to do all my mental growing with him, but at that time I didn’t know how to. A young mother meant having another person to pour myself into and I didn’t know how to make room for myself or him in that mix.”

Currently, Terry pours herself into raising her son. She says,

“Things are a bit tough now with the advent of COVID 19. Poland has been on lockdown since mid-May and this has dimmed the full run of the nursery I started. As a result, I had to sell my business.”

“To cope, I jog most mornings when the streets are empty and the frost is still visible on the trees. This keeps me grounded somehow.”

When asked: ‘What’s the next chapter in the story of your life?’ She replied:

“I’m not sure and I’m okay with not being sure. I’m not the same naive, innocent little girl that left for Poland many years ago. I’ve lived, I’ve learned and I will continue to do that. I am excited about life. I am excited about love. And whatever happens next, it will be amazing.”